Small Talk




We asked BBC comedy writer and mother of two Lucy Clarke to give an insight into the weird-and-wonderful world of motherhood

We all have those moments that painfully remind us that whatever we may be wearing or how fabulous our hair is looking, we are now mummies with all the – ahem – surprises that entails. Here are ten things that make you realise, once and for all, that you are a mother:

1. Banana stains will never come out. Ever. Accept it and move on.

2. Hugs are multi-functional; a chance to show mutual affection and a chance for them to blow their nose on your arm.

3. If you leave the house without wet-wipes, Calpol, spare pants (theirs) (and possibly yours), raisins and tissues you will be punished. Usually in Tescos.

4. A child’s sickness will always correlate exactly with the importance of the meeting you are supposed to be at.

5. Your children will have no concept of the time it takes to do any task until they are about 24; you will both be equally baffled by this.

6. When it’s bedtime you can’t wait for them to go to sleep already! But when you see them asleep you can’t wait for the next day to begin

7. The sheer relief when you realise you have cucumber in your hair, not baby sick.

8. That your partner forgetting to pack the one toy – THE ONE TOY! – that will get your toddler to sleep is legitimate grounds for divorce.

9. That you are 99.9% sure that performing open heart surgery is easier than the school run.

10. Your child can be very annoying, but they may grow up to cure cancer, or to have been born on the same day as the winning lottery number, so plough on.